Tinder and the NSA

Recent rumblings of discontent from investors in dating app Tinder have found voice in concerns that the app is a victim of its own success. The recently-improved matching algorithms means that many users —

far too many”, according to disgruntled institutional investment fund manager, Paul Fochsovitz

— are finding the love of their life and happily settling down to a long-lasting and loving relationship. Crucially, this also means they are dropping off the app altogether, in alarming numbers.

Plunging necklines = plunging share price

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Nchechawk

The Nchechawk language, also Picapik (pronounced [piq˙pœ˜pic] but spelt differently to confuse non-speakers attempting to learn the language), is spoken by the approximately ten thousand people of southern and south-eastern Magwane, as well as by the country’s diaspora across the globe (numbering in the tens of millions), in particular in the Wayward Isles, the Caribbean and – curiously – the neighbourhood of Ravenna in Seattle, Washington.
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Unfinished Book (No.1)

In brief

A fascinating book! Provides incredible insight into the “madness behind the method” of the dedicated method biographer.

5/5

added to: read-again

The author

The self-described ‘jobbing method biographer’ Jacob Reichmann is well known for his numerous biographies on artistic and post-WWII military luminaries, as well as his articles for the New Yorker, the New York Times, the New York Post, New York Press and various other publications containing the keywords New and York, including unwittingly the now-defunct York News, a publication in Yorkshire, England.

This book, however, is his most ambitious work to-date, an account (in the form of a confessional) of Reichmann’s attempt to live his life  – as serious method biographers must do – of no less a giant than the so-called Father of Method Biography himself, Jan Pietrs. (Method Biography is one of the primary areas of ongoing literary research at the Bibliographic Studies Institute at Jesus and Mary Magdalene College, University of West Clare.)

The title and early impressions

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Rights of the Unconceived

Never mind the unborn child, what about the unconceived child?

Equal Rights for All

Does not each and every sperm, and every egg, deserve a chance to be born? Why should their rights be denied? Who has the right to determine that their particular DNA should not come into being as a being? Where do we draw the line between a foetus that deserves life and one that doesn’t?

If time and a bit of luck is all that separates one sperm from becoming a fully-functioning member of Western society, then – when we talk about rights – doesn’t every sperm deserve a chance?

Spare a thought for impure ones

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War is Wonderful

What is War?

War is violence and murder carried out by a state against any other entity, often – but not always – because of a perceived injustice. Sometimes it’s because of a perceived slight, sometimes because the opportunity exists. Sometimes, a fancy new weapon needs to be trialled.

Actions carried out during the prosecution of war are protected by international agreement (between states, obviously).

So states are simply carrying out the will of the people, then?

Au contraire. If ordinary people were given a vote, they would most likely outlaw war without exception, as war generally involves the loss of their property, safety and livelihoods – and even life itself. Lamentably, war only ever seems to adversely affect ordinary people, never those foaming-mouthed neocons who urge prosecution of war at any opportunity.

Other Forms of Widescale Violence

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Lest we forget ‘lest’

Lest is a conjunction that was suffering terminal decline since 1800 until the mid-noughties of the 21st Century, when grandiose bombasticity and  a nostalgia for empire-building and conquering things a desire to remember the fallen by politicians, and a wish to never ever ever forget how great and full of explosions terrible and tragic war is saw a return to usage of ‘lest’, in the only manner now permitted: Lest we forget.

Funny, isn’t it, that we nearly forgot lest, and now lest won’t let us forget, lest we forget.

Death to the Chair!

 

With today’s report, Standing Up Against Sitting Down, chairs have finally been put to bed, and the world will be a safer place for it.

It is anticipated that elimination of chair-related deaths will increase average lifespan by up to seventeen years, incidentally the amount of time one study showed people spent sitting on chairs in an average lifetime.

More of the same from CRASHI

The seat industry mouthpiece, Consortium of Recliners, Armchairs, Stools, Highchairs, and Inflatables (CRASHI), predictably condemned the report, cautioning against “the dangers of excessive standing up, lying down or reclining”. The ludicrous lobby group further issued a bizarre threat via Twitter that “you’ll all get what’s coming to you.” Police are presently investigating that threat further, although CRASHI moved swiftly to delete the tweet, blaming the social media faux pas on “an intern whom we have already terminated.”

UPDATE: Police have now opened an inquiry into the disappearance of a CRASHI intern. Continue reading “Death to the Chair!”

Did you know…?

The word acronym is itself an acronym:

Abbreviated Chronological Reorganisation of Old, New and Young Mustards.

History

It’s easy to look askance at them now, what with the proliferation of LOLs, TLAs and their like, but before acronyms existed, the world moved at a much slower pace. Indeed, a number of prominent historians have attributed the Industrial Revolution at least in part to the invention of acronyms.

More History

Acronyms were first developed in 1878 by a secret consortium of manufacturers of mustard and other condiments (note that condiments should not be confused with their fresh-in-the-mouth prophylactic homonyms, although both are best when ingested orally, and garlic-flavoured condiments are equally effective as prophylactics, and thus promoted by certain religious groups in their cuisine.)

Conspiracy

This condiment cabal were attempting to corner the market relating to congealed foodstuffs, but had been hampered in their efforts previously by unreadable meeting minutes, containing – as they did – long and unwieldy food additive names like polypropylene glycol copolymers, acetylated distarch phosphate, beta-apo-8′-carotenic acid ethyl ester, sodium hexamethaphosphate and disodium ethylenediaminetetraacetate (which is a right mouthful, but don’t dare get it in your mouth!).

Meeting Minutes

Earlier attempts to shorten these terms using a system of winking and bird calls floundered on an inability of these captains of industry to control their twitchy eyebrows, not to mention which, it was difficult to capture these subtleties in written form.

eyes3
Eyebrows, aka curtains to the windows to the soul

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