10 Amazing Uses You Didn’t Know for… a kangaroo

What’s that, Skip? That’s right, you multi-purpose little long-nosed rabbit fella ya! Here are 10 things a kangaroo can be useful for (beyond the obvious):

1. Wetpurse

Tired of carrying around all your items in a bag? Look no further than a kangaroo. As long as your items are waterproof and non-toxic – and let’s face it, what makeup isn’t? – the ‘roo will happily store them in its pouch and save your back from the ache of carrying all those heavy toiletries around.

2. Transitory metronome

What minstrel or busker, wandering noisily from town to town, hasn’t wished for a travelling companion and rhythmic time-keeper instead of having to hold conversation with the cymbals strapped to their knees?

3. Antipodean drugmule

This year’s must-have for smugglers of illegal narcotics is the cute joey, boasting a pouch volume of up to 4 cubic metres! Yes! You read that right! Four. Cubic. Me–

No wait, it’s feet. Sorreee… but still. Lot of drugs. Not that we approve. Don’t shoot the messenger. We’re just reporting the facts here.

Random drug check (or purse theft)
Random drug check (or purse theft)

4. Tut-tutter-in-chief

For those times when you’re ‘sick of it, just sick of it’, but can’t bring yourself to express the indignity of it all, let this furry standing cat do all the tut-tutting for you. Tsk tsk indeed!

5. Self-defence coach

No-one throws a southpaw quite like a kangaroo, and, unless you can afford a mule (you posh bastard), nothing kicks like one either. Give yourself the gift of protection and get one now.

6. Waiter

See how the forearm of the ‘roo is constructed just right for a draped white napkin? That’s no accident; that’s Creationism at work, right there. Yes, the lesser-spotted kangaroo is the perfect addition to any dinner party, as humble servant by your side.

7. Gravity-field monitor

Feeling a little woozy, and not willing to blame it on the booze? Make sure someone’s not playing with Earth’s gravitational field, by having your own kangaroo bound around for a bit. If they’re not falling over, then it probably is the booze. Ease off until normal service is resumed.

8. Hurdle tester

Makers of Olympic-standard hurdles: wonder no more if your hurdles are up to the standard. Grab a joey and make sure of it! Specially-calibrated kangaroos available for a premium, but when you’re supplying to the world’s best, can you really afford to take that chance?

9. Baby stroller

Lull your child to sleep in a handy moist pouch. Take them for a walk and watch them drift peacefully off to the land of Nod in this jumping sentient pram. Many parents report dropping their child into the pouch without a nappy, so there’s that cost-saving to think of. Honestly, your little one will come on in leaps and bounds. [We heartily apologise for the crappy pun, but at least one per article is mandated by the powers-that-be controlling the internet.]

10. Replacement cat

When all hope is gone, and your beloved feline is gone to cat heaven, try a kangaroo next time around. We guarantee you’ll be pleasantly surprised by this creature’s suave manner, sense of balance and survival skills. In time, you may even wonder why you ever had a cat in the first place. Sort of.

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