Attempted Murder

As promised, we now bring you the latest on that breaking news of a threat to the life of a young man in Coolmeen, Co. Clare.

Madge Sullivan, a mother of three, claimed:

“I’m going to feckin kill him, absolutely kill him, that fecker.”

It is understood the individual referred to was 17-yr old Barry Sullivan, son of the accused, who had left the house earlier that Saturday evening, claiming that he was attending a maths grind in Lisseycasey. It transpired later that the youth was in fact attending a dance at a nightclub in Ennis, using a fake ID. He was suspected of being in league with his cousin Joe, who allegedly supplied the ID and is understood to be “a right gurrier too, the same as his father”, according to the accused.

“And Barry with the feckin Leaving, too!” she continued.

The father of the intended victim, Fintan, 53, sat in solidarity with the accused at the starkly-lit kitchen table, awaiting the return of the prodigal son. His occasional grunts throughout his wife’s rant were taken as tacit agreement, although whether that was with the boy’s action or the mother’s reprimands remained unclear.

For certain, his expression seemed to suggest a thought process along the following lines:

“Yerrah, weren’t we all the same? Sure, didn’t I join the merchant navy for a fortnight when I was eleven, and the only reason me sacred mother suspected a child was missing was the three spuds left in the bottom of the pan after every dinner… And by God, you were no angel yourself in your day, pettins.”

Despite the accused’s protestation that this was a domestic dispute, a Gárdaí forensics unit was sent to the home and is presently searching the premises. Already, a wooden spoon – found concealed in the top drawer under a suspiciously sharp spatula, a pastry brush, and a heap of disposable chopsticks that looked like they had been in the dishwasher several times – has already been logged in the evidence file.

We’ll bring you further news as this story develops. If you are a neighbour or know the accused, please contact us in the comments below.

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Expression: Ahbutsurelookit!  [coupled with gaze off into the distance and soft exhalation of breath.] Translated: You know it; I know