Back to School… but which one?

School Transfers

It’s that time of year again, and news has reached our ears that urban children are being illegally loaned in the August transfer window to keep rural schools open, often without completing the necessary paperwork.

Agents’ Fees

Swap deals have been reported, with well-stocked urban centres of education willing to trade two or even three miscreants for one well-behaved country boy who has washed behind his ears. Precise details are of course hard to come by, although it is believed agents can command significant fees for the negotiation of such deals – for instance, we understand that a certain Clive Callaghan will never again have to put his hand in his pocket for a drink in several parishes in west Cork.

More Worser

Even more scandalous information has been passed on to us, concerning kidnapping raids into Galway City and Sligo Town by cohorts of teachers in particularly hard-hit areas of Mayo.

-Sure what in the feck else are we supposed to do? retorted local headmaster Pat McEnnity, who spoke on condition of anonymity, adding: ’Tis all the feckin Department’s fault.

Even Greater Worseness

Further rumours that an inspector calling at a school on the Inisowen Peninsula, Co Donegal, observed two lambs and a calf dressed up as children now appear to be wide of the mark, with the school threatening legal action against the inspector.

Those poor boys were just wearing their coats, is all, claimed the responsible teacher. And their hats, too. And sure that inspector fella arrived in here pissed as a coot.

These accusations were denied by the Department in an email sent to us. The email also ‘accidentally’ included an internal memo pointedly noting that there are three less children at that school than were previously reported.

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