Damaged Universe

Rift in the Fabric

Aliens will shortly (in Universe terms) be arriving to stop CERN and NASA from breaking the universe with their experiments.

The scientists have dismissed the claims, and insist they have everything under control (though the CERN spokesperson declined to explain why they are “pulling all-nighters” these past few months), and that any wobbles in the space-time continuum are included in their calculations, as given to them by the Almighty God, Albert Einstein. Contacted for comment on this news article, Mr Einstein claimed to be dead and wondered how we got a hold of him on this number. (Séances and a tricked-out ouija board, obviously.)

The universe, previously considered by scientists as a net-zero energy container, has been discovered recently to have sprung a leak in the bottom-left.

An alien official, speaking on condition of anonymity, blamed either CERN, a flag that had blown off the Moon, or debris from attempts at space tourism. At least, that’s what we think they said, because who can understand those damned foreigners, eh?

The (Boring) Science Bit

The flow of energy out of the hole is increasing, as the hole itself grows wider. The precise cause of the increase in size is unknown, but probably has something to do with science and mathematics, according to one leading conservative observer, who declared that:

“We should have stuck with blind faith in Jesus, and left the exploration of the Universe to the angels”.

What can we do?

Wringing hands and worrying always helps, of course; beyond that, the answer is it depends.

You see, estimates vary wildly on the length of time before the energy leakage from the Universe’s fabric affects us here on Earth.

Scenario A: 6 months – 2 years until Armageddon

Live life to the maximum. Tell those you love that you love them, and act accordingly. Contribute to charity to help repair the seam of the Universe (good deeds help, apparently, or good intentions might do the job if you’re Catholic). Make a will.

Scenario B: Decades or centuries until Armageddon (or more)

Carry on as previously. You’ll be dead by then, and it’ll be someone else’s problem. Either the aliens will fix it, or future generations will. Fuck ’em, you’ve more important things to be doing.



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