With today’s report, Standing Up Against Sitting Down, chairs have finally been put to bed, and the world will be a safer place for it.
It is anticipated that elimination of chair-related deaths will increase average lifespan by up to seventeen years, incidentally the amount of time one study showed people spent sitting on chairs in an average lifetime.
More of the same from CRASHI
The seat industry mouthpiece, Consortium of Recliners, Armchairs, Stools, Highchairs, and Inflatables (CRASHI), predictably condemned the report, cautioning against “the dangers of excessive standing up, lying down or reclining”. The ludicrous lobby group further issued a bizarre threat via Twitter that “you’ll all get what’s coming to you.” Police are presently investigating that threat further, although CRASHI moved swiftly to delete the tweet, blaming the social media faux pas on “an intern whom we have already terminated.”
UPDATE: Police have now opened an inquiry into the disappearance of a CRASHI intern.
What the science said
The report on chairs, Standing Up against Sitting Down, draws on a variety of double-blind medical studies carried out across several decades. The research as a whole shows unambiguously that chairs are solely responsible for a range of medical conditions that ultimately lead to death, including heart disease, mental issues, incontinence, the clap, impure thoughts, cancer of the arse and a particularly contagious form of heartburn that has claimed the lives of millions across the sub-continent.
Longer life, longer strife?
In the interest of presenting a balanced picture, it is worth mentioning that there has been comment from other industries. Pension fund managers have warned that increased lifespans from a ban on chairs will heap further pressure on already-distressed pension funds. The “most likely scenario” will see longer careers, with age of retirement pushed back by “at least another two decades”, according to a well-placed source. Most of these jobs will be in the tech and teleservices sectors, where companies are already reeling at the loss of chairs as a means of ensconcing their staff.
However, shares in competing industries shot up following today’s publication of the hard-hitting report, with brisk trading reported in – amongst others – comfortable shoe manufacturers, exoskeleton makers and developers of foam suits. Rumours on the floor also suggest that furniture behemoth IKEA has moved swiftly to reignite its interest in Nordic startup Emottyngd Rum, which builds what Google translates as “anti-gravity rooms”. Treadmill manufacturers, fabricators of aerial silks and makers of repurposed adult sex harnesses stand to benefit most from the news, as an opportunity to break into the lucrative office furniture market.
Ludicrous claims by CRASHI that the Concerned Traders of Cradles and Treadmills (CTCT) funded this “spurious anti-chair nonsense” have been dismissed out of hand by a well-mannered CTCT spokesperson, who welcomed “this transparent, progressive, scientifically-validated announcement”.
The CTCT statement in full
“With the benefit of hindsight, it seems incredible to think that chairs were not alone sanctioned but actually approved of by every stratum of society for hundreds of years. Then again, we have been here before with cigarettes, sugar and prescription drugs, at least until our own enlightened generation.”
“That no one had drawn the line between our shortened lifespans and chairs speaks volumes about the pernicious influence of CRASHI. It has been suggested to us that the seat and chair manufacturers deliberately suppressed similar studies for generations.”
“We welcome this report, which clearly correlates mortality rates with the number of chairs a person owns, the hours of daily use of said chairs, and even the chair types. It comes as no surprise to us that the most vociferous opponents of scientific studies were the manufacturers of bespoke and designer chairs, who continue to deny the effects of chairity even now, when others from their shameful industry have taken the first steps towards accepting responsibility and agreeing compensation due to chair-related deaths.”
“An undercover investigation revealed the complex web of transactions and shell companies used in CRASHI’s evil scheme, spinning out claim after counterclaim to obscure the truth, attempting to blame chair-related deaths on a crazy collection of conspiracy theories: carcinogens from mankind’s reliance on fossil fuels; obesity and an ‘unwillingness to push back from the table when full’ [whilst seated on a chair, we would add]; on an excessively sedentary lifestyle, or even – irony of ironies, and twisted logic indeed – on overwork and stress, and too little time relaxing in chairs. A further ‘call to reason’ by the CRASHI tries to claim that chairs have been used for millennia without harm: akin to saying that genocide in the past excuses it now, and dark stuff indeed.”
“Harmless nonsense, one might say. We might agree were not people’s lives at risk. Children too. It is truly terrifying what organisations such as CRASHI are capable in the service of money. Truly, only monsters and degenerates could stand with chairs now.”
“Chairs were the problem, all along. Now, thanks to science and enlightened governance, let us all stand tall together against chairs.”
The government has been quick to act, with a new committee already set up to handle the transition. Chairman Nicholas Judd, in announcing his leadership of the Committee Against Chairs (CAC), has already proven his excellent credentials and forward-thinking mindset by stating that he wishes to be known as the Committee Standman.
He further promised to deal with the swift phasing out and destruction of chairs, promising better lives “for our children and our children’s children”. As a first step, promotional material or promulgation of chairs and sitting – whether through textbooks, pamplets or online – will be punishable by “death or at least a large fine.”
That’s certainly something we can all stand behind. As to what one will do with all those seventeen extra years of lifespan? Stand up for your rights, of course.
This journalist received a small honorarium towards his “courageous, fearless and impartial writing” from the Steigler Institute for Truth, a thinktank funded by the CTCT (amongst others) at the University of West Clare.