GOD Market Report

Following last quarters lower-than-projected growth figures, GOD ($733.12, +0.77) has followed through on its promise to streamline operations with today’s announcement that – with immediate effect – the Holy Trinity is to become the Holy Duality. We understand that the Holy Spirit is stepping down from his role as this goes to press.

Breakdown of the Bread

The Holy Spirit’s duties will be shared between the two remaining parts of the former Trinity, although it is anticipated that the majority will fall into an expanded brief for the Son. Bonds in Christ fell briefly on the news, but rallied and closed slightly up. Analysts had been predicting a similar announcement for some time, with a widely-held perception that the Holy Ghost, as Public Relations and Communications Director, had been struggling with the key component of his remit for a number of years – that of spreading the Word.

While the Holy Spirit’s appointment had initially been greeted with greater approval, GOD’s growth in recent years has stagnated under his direction in new and emerging markets. Indeed, outside of GOD’s strong South and Central American base, it is difficult to point to any recent success stories for the Communications Director, with many citing stodgy penetration into the Chinese and SE Asian markets and a splintered approach to Africa as clear signposts ahead of today’s news.

History of the Appointment

The original twin appointments by the Father had caught the market napping, with few analysts predicting the bold move. Barry Wolfowitz of Angel Investments, a Washington think-tank focusing on non-profits and NGOs, and one of the small number to forecast that shakeup, notes that

“when it happened [the twin appointments of the Son and the Holy Spirit], it came as a shock to almost everybody.”


Initially, it was a gamble that paid off handsomely, with exponential growth over the subsequent years. In particular, a joint-venture with the Roman Empire, which led to GOD’s gain of a de-facto monopoly within the Roman Empire’s extensive territory, paid off handsomely. Disciples of the Father’s maverick approach were richly rewarded, but over time, “particularly the last couple of centuries,” Wolfowitz comments, “the flat growth in the West led to a pivot away from their traditional powerbase and entrenchment in South America. Something had to give, and it was never going to be the Father.”

Son’s Comeback

Sources had indicated previously that the Son might be the one to give way, following a series of mis-steps with political figures in the Middle East. Ultimately, these rumours have proved unfounded, Wolfowitz noting the Son’s meteoric rise after being “hung out to dry”. Indeed, it is the Son’s incredible resurgence following that early debacle that really proved his mettle in the face of adversity, and commentators note that it was only following this rebirth that GOD truly went global, from humble beginnings in the Middle East. The Son is also credited with developing the Loaves-and-Fishes Miracle, widely recognised by leading economists as having paved the way for modern financial leveraging practices.

Miracle on Wall Street

Rumblings of disquiet at the top table recently have also hit GOD’s market share, as this most dominant of players for centuries has recently struggled to shake off allegations of mismanagement, coverups, internal scandals, and – perhaps most crucially – struggles to cater to consumers in a more globalised economy. Wolfowitz once again:

“We welcome this move. GOD has been heavily criticized for conservativism and being weighed down by bureaucracy and its history. This was the change that needed to happen.”

Indeed, there had been many others calling for change, institutional investors seemingly disgruntled by that stagnation in Eastern markets, not to mention embarrassing reversals in traditionally strong sectors such as Western Europe. GOD’s stock had reflected this, slumping over the past three quarters and culminating in this decision to remove the Holy Spirit from his position.

It is anticipated that the Son will make a number of public appearances to boost growth, particularly in developing regions, as well as attempt to shore up the flagging Word operations in the West.

Time for the Lady?

The Father did not comment on the news today, and indeed has taken a noticeably less public role since the Son’s rise to prominence. Analysts point out that this has been the strategy ever since the Son was annointed, drawing attention to the organisation’s refocussing on low- to middle-income families, and a less hard-edged public image pushed through by Vice-President Marketing, Virgin Mary. As Conor McCarthy, analyst with investment fund Flood Money, puts it:

“If you’re looking for the real success story, for many people, it’s the VM. She’s brought in ten times more privately-funded real estate than the Holy Spirit. This was on the cards.”

Indeed, some privately wonder if a follow-up announcement will see the VM take a seat at the top table in a further shuffle, as GOD seeks to appeal to a more liberal audience. An archangel, speaking on condition of anonymity, for fear of backlash or eternal damnation:

“The Holy Spirit confused the message to the world. He had his champions within the organisation, but no one doubts the Son. He’s got a pedigree going back even before GOD. The Holy Spirit couldn’t match that, and he had to go. The VM would be a great replacement, if you ask me. There’s no one more popular at grassroots level.”

Today’s announcement caused a steadying of the market price that had followed decline over the last number of quarters.

GOD’s spokesperson on Earth was in conclave and could not be reached for comment on this article.

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