Jesus Saves!

With the transfer market heating up, Jesus Christ, the self-titled ‘Saviour’ and impressive young goalkeeper, today put paid to rumours about His nationality by announcing His eligibility for the US men’s national team.

The announcement was made by His agent, Holly Spritz, at a press conference today, where he noted that “as America has long branded itself God’s Country, Christ’s choice had been made easier.”

Jesus is expected to be selected for the upcoming autumn internationals. The US coach, Reverend Pastor, said previously:

“If He makes Himself available to us, I’d say Christ is a nailed-down starter.”

His glove sponsor have stated that they are in the process of developing a new campaign to build on last year’s popular Jesus saves series of advertisements.

Jesus getting down low after the cross
Jesus getting down low after the cross

Israeli manager Ariel Baumsdorf expressed disappointment with Christ’s decision, noting that Jesus’ Father had declared himself for Israel alone, and pointing out that Jesus’ early promise had been developed coming up through the youth system in Jerusalem. He also noted that Christ’s ability to pass through crowds and mastery of crosses was as a direct result of work with the national training program and Pilates. Baumsdorf conceded that “money might have turned Christ’s head”, also noting that Israel couldn’t compete financially with the might of the US.

Following the announcement, Egypt’s coach, Moammar Al-Faisalah, declared himself disappointed in Christ’s decision, pointing to Cairo’s significant investment in Jesus as a promising teen, even aiding in his family’s relocation to Egypt; however, he acknowledged that under FIFA’s new rules, Jesus Christ was a man of the world, and thus free to play for any side, Arab, Gentile or Jew.

Critics of FIFA have jumped on this latest defection as proof that the new rules promote disloyalty, citing as further examples turncoats St Paul and Judas Iscariot. FIFA’s Sepp Blatter was unavailable for comment [Update: and is now facing difficulties of his own (making)].

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