Looking for a career change? Want to work in a fast-paced environment that offers unrivalled training with the latest technology, offers constant challenge, and rewards you with lucrative performance-related bonuses? Due to the increasing instability of the political situation in Central Europe and the Middle East, our client Kittens2Killers are expanding their operations. As part of this expansion, they have announced 2 high-profile positions required to be filled immediately, suiting experienced international operators looking for the next career-advancing role. Who You Are:
- You have a can-do, never-say-die attitude (at least until confirmed clinically-dead).
- Experience in long-range weaponry and remote detonation considered an asset, but not essential, as training will be provided.
- Ability to mono-task for days on end, even months.
- Obsessive attention to even the tiniest detail. OCD is considered an asset, but not essential.
- You are results-focused. By whatever means necessary, you get the job done, each and every time. Ideally, you have used a knife or garrotte to finish the job on at least three occasions.
- Chances are, you’ve been decorated by your country and have medals as a sharpshooter, but you don’t boast about it. Discretion is a hallmark of your work.
- Your portfolio probably includes at least two infiltrations/exfiltrations in a country hostile to your native one.
What we offer:
- Full medical coverage.
- Complete worldwide evac policy (subject to successful completion of the job).
- A fun and challenging work environment.
- Massive bonuses on successful completion of work.
- Comprehensive training in the latest liquidation techniques.
- Regular refresher courses on a variety of topics:
- Blending In: Why ‘Me So Solly’ Just Isn’t Good Enough
- Wait, Which One’s the President Again? Split-Second Decision-Making
- Target Was Playing With Her Children: Coping with PTSD.
Good to know: One of these positions requires immediate deployment to Moscow following the sudden disappearance of the incumbent.
What next: Please send your CV/resumé and letter of motivation, indicating your preferred mode of assassination and confirming your availability for immediate deployment in the Middle East.
About the employer: Kittens2Killers is the leading ‘Problem Solving’ company worldwide. Working with the FSB, ISI, MI6, CIA, and others across the globe to create a future that looks more like they want it to look, it is our proud boast that:
“We can and will kill anyone – absolutely anyone – regardless of race, gender, age, including all minorities.”*
* As a company committed to the ethical treatment of animals, we contribute an large donation annually to animal charities worldwide. As such, we will not fulfil contracts taken out on cats, dogs and other family pets. (See? We’re not monsters.)
Kittens2Killers are an equal-opportunities employer, dedicated to remaining the industry benchmark. As part of our commitment to diversity, preference will be given to female candidates of mixed race background, (though this will of course be overlooked if, for example, a 25-yr old white male SEAL applies.)