Making a Will in 7 Easy Steps

  1. Grab a pen and paper, clamp your tongue between your teeth so you don’t choke on it while multitasking, and start writing.
  2. Make a list of all the people you love.
  3. Take a moment to look lovingly at this list for a while, as deep and mournful music plays in the echoing hallways of your imagination… perhaps a nice Requiem Mass by Mozart, or Wrecking Ball.

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    Boo-hoo-hoooo…
  4. Okay, enough, you mopey bastard! Scrunch up that piece of paper and toss it in the wastepaper basket. There’s work to be done here.
  5. Seriously, pull yourself together, man! This is not the time for sentimentality, and honestly, you won’t be needing those names for what you’re about to do!
  6. Now, make a list of all the people who have really screwed you over in life. Ha, yes, you’ll show them, those bastards! This will is going to fuck them up so badly, you almost can’t wait to die to see the look upon their faces. (If only you weren’t insentient organic matter by then… but anyway.) Some helpful suggestions:
    • Authority figures, past and present.
    • Underlings, past and present.
    • Objects of your unrequited love from early adulthood.
    • Objects of your unrequited love from late adulthood.
    • Objects of your unrequited love, period.
    • Neighbours and distant cousins.
    • Have another go. This time, don’t be afraid to cast the net wide. Back, back, back into the distant past. Dredge up those hard little balls of hatred, those pearls of humiliations hidden in the murky depths of your sea of memories. Now is the time to bring them forth, into the light. Breath on them. Polish them up like new. Inhale the acrid stench, feel afresh the humiliations and indignities, sense the bile rise in your gorge… That’s it, that’s it… Good, return your gaze once more to the list of nemeses.
    • One last time, please. Any purveyors of slights, snide remarks and sarcastic comments? Come come, don’t let those fuckers escape your wrath. As Maximus Decimus Mediocrous Latinus Execreus said, I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

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      The big mopey bastard (before he got down to making his will!)
  7. Excellent. Congratulate yourself, and pour a draft of liquid bitterness: whiskey.
  8. Imbibe as you review the list for absentees, fugitives and absconders. Magnificent, well done. Now onwards to Part II of your legacy, stone-hearted heathen!


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