Making a Will: Part II

Column B

If Column B sounds like an Irish rapper, you probably haven’t read Making a Will: Part I yet.

  1. Make a new list, in a second column alongside that of your enemies. This list should include everything you own.
  2. Don’t forget to include blood-debts, grudges and favours.
  3. Play a fun game of mix-n-match between Column A and Column B. For example:
    • Longheld grudge against a neighbour AND that same neighbour’s shrewy wife
    • Satanic paraphernalia AND the Jesus-freak cousin
    • Bible studies literature AND Rabidly atheist co-worker
  4. Following the mix-n-match, it should be clear that many items will indeed have to be purchased, but that is the value of making a list, and indeed a will. Planning for the future, wealth management funds call it (which is easier than planning for the past, in any event, if you’ve never tried this).

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a will that – long long after you are gone – will continue to sow discord and reap vengeance on those who dared cross you in the mortal realm.

Important Notes Pertaining to the Foregoing:

  • Where there’s a will, there’s a way, like the Camino de Santiago, which is also a way, but a different kind altogether.
  • A will is a type of legal document; cans, coulds and shoulds are all forms of illegal documents (, and usually mean you have no intention of doing anything).
  • Will Smith, contrary to some assertions, is not a legal document.
  • In fact, Will Smith is not even a question. (Won’t Will Smith…, on the other hand, is a question. I know, it’s mightily confusing, isn’t it?)
  • Will Smith‘s not being a question is the opposite of that inflection (?) at each pause (?) in someone’s words and whatnot(?)… In this instance, the inflection is not a question, but just sounds like one. This dangerous inflection (?) differs from an infection, but only very slightly (by the omission of a single letter) and indeed the English language might die from all the unanswered questions posed by the proliferation of the inflection(?).
  • None of the above should be misconstrued as legal advice. It should not be construed as any kind of advice, not even to feeble-minded simpletons. Dammit, it should not even be construed, full stop! Stop construing things!
  • If you require legal advice, you should consult a legal advisor.
  • Considering how much legal advice costs, you should consult a legal advisor before seeking legal advice from a legal advisor. You should also bring a sharp recently-sanitised hacksaw, and a spare arm and/or leg.
  • As hacking off one’s own limbs is highly dangerous and could lead to loss of life, legal advice should be sought prior to attending to this task. The above points in relation to the seeking-out of legal advice also pertains to this bullet point. This should not be misconstrued as legal advice regarding legal advice.
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Making a Will in 7 Easy Steps

Grab a pen and paper, clamp your tongue between your teeth so you don't choke on it while multitasking, and