A series of recent break-and-enter robberies in first-floor apartments in suburbs in Dublin have now been attributed to the efforts of a monkey and giraffe recently escaped from Dublin Zoo.

It would appear that the giraffe used his long elastic neck and hard bony head to break open the windows, after which the monkey typically entered and purloined certain goods.

The monkey was charged with various thefts amounting to in the order of several hundred kiloweight of bananas, oranges and other fresh fruit, but subsequently escaped custody.

The giraffe has been apprehended recently and taken into custody, and is presently aiding the Gardai with their investigations. It is understood that charges against him – that of causing damage to private property, and being an accomplice – have been dropped. His solicitor had earlier argued that the giraffe never actually entered private property, but sensing that the Gardai were taking a hard line on this series of crimes, the animal is now actively working with them as they proceed with their case against the monkey, who is still at large.

The general public is advised to be wary of approaching the monkey, as he is known to be vicious and may be carrying a fruit knife appropriated during his most recent theft, a daring daylight assault at a market on Moore Street.

Moore Street market, Dublin
Scene of the crime

The fruit-stall owner, who spoke on condition of anonymity, was visibly shaken by the encounter, and noted:

“Oh jaysus I’m tellin you, that hoor of a monkey… he’s one right vicious little bastard.”

Since the altercation, she has switched to selling duty-free cigarettes and confectionery.

The monkey also made off with over twenty pounds of prime ribeye steak. Gardai are uncertain why, and are investigating several leads in the area.


Further news on this story.

It is suspected that the monkey may now have assembled a gang for further attacks, as keepers at Dublin Zoo this morning reported a further break-in (or breakout) last night, following which a stock-taking has revealed the further loss of two panthers, a polar bear, a hippopotamus, and a taser one of the keepers left in the lion enclosure.

Gardai now believe the monkey used the stolen produce from his most recent theft on Moore Street to lure the panthers and polar bears from their enclosures. Owners of riverside and canal properties are expected to be at particular risk from the newly-assembled crack team.

If you have seen suspicious primates in your neighbourhood, please contact us below.

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