Cutbacks ‘down the country’

A Government senior economic advisor stated:

“The people have spoken in the last election, and we have listened. Our mandate is clear: the population wants less waste, more efficiency in how we run the nation. As such, we are pivoting to focus on the emerging tech industries, moving away from primary industry – agriculture, construction, manual labour, and the like, which are only for boggers and poor people – and a shift towards cushy numbers here in Dublin in cushy offices with a nice view of the Liffey, working for transnational conglomerates, banks and their advisors.

In line with this new policy, the advisor said that this was what the market demanded, and noted that:

“We are seeking to shed jobs in agriculture and are asking rural citizens to ‘take one for the team, as it were’. In particular, younger people who clear off abroad would be most appreciated, as they won’t be a burden on the State. We would encourage all such people to leave. The same would, of course, apply to older people.”

Reached just before going to press and asked to expand on his comment regarding the elderly, the official clarified:

“I mean, if they could just die early. It’s just easier.”

Our reporter asked if it was not the case that the State acts in the best interest of all its people, to which the Government spokesperson replied:

“Not at all, man. Sure as long as the power and water keeps flowing from the boglands down the country, we don’t particularly need people there. It saves on provision of rural services, which are a drain on resources up here. It’s basic economics. Plus, it improves our attractiveness to overseas investors in 10-year bonds.”

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