No More Cattle
Animal rights protestors celebrated the recent news that all leather and beef products can from this moment forward be produced through a replication process in the laboratory.
No cows were harmed in the making of this product, all burgers will henceforth proudly proclaim, as we bite into the delicious-yet-strange meat.
There are some troubling issues that come to mind, of course.
For one thing, the yoot of the future won’t even know what a cow is. The Brown Bull of Cooley will be meaningless to them. Future scholars will speculate as to what was meant by cattle-rustling, cow-tipping and the like, but no matter: the cows will be gone, and Hinduism with it, in all likelihood.
Hurray for the Environment
In removing a large contributor of methane and other harmful gases in the upper atmosphere – cows, not Hindus – environmentalists have also welcomed the news, not to speak of other major world religions, who know an expansion opportunity when they see one. Even polluters welcomed the opportunity to point the finger elsewhere.
You see, as we have been saying all along, coal is clean. It was the cows, all along. With the eradication of the filthy polluting cows, we can get used to living in a better world, free of the harmful effects of this disgusting animal.
So said Madeleine Masterful-Fillman earlier today in a hastily-scheduled press conference by FECC, the Free Earth Coal Coalition.
Farmers are curious as to what is expected to be done with all their vacant farmland, but already proposals are in place to convert these wastelands into factories to produce the vast quantities of leather goods and meat products the growing world population demands. Existing farm buildings are being analyzed by estate agents for their potential as converted loft-style apartments, rural office spaces, and server farms.
Health Benefits Reaped
Further benefits to the human race are expected to accrue from the eradication of bovine-related diseases, including CJD, Mad Cow disease, ringworm, bulling fits, Meath women, foot-rot, and dung heaps, according to a recent pamphlet on the topic.