Spice up your wordplay, fantasy romance writers!

What do you think when you hear phlebotomist?


Is it naughty?

No, it’s not someone who whacks your arse (although who knows what phlebotomists get up to in their free time). You’re probably thinking of a flay-bottom-ist, like Rachel from Friends.

Just Friends, having some clean fun (via GIPHY)

A fancy gardener, perhaps?

Nor is a phlebotomist that cranky old fellow with the throaty cough who potters about tending to his plants, either. That guy’s called the phlegmy botanist.

The Phlegmy Botanist goes wild (via GIPHY)

I give up…

Awwww…! But you were so close!


The phlebotomist is actually a vampire. Yes, a real live dentally-weaponised wampire. A bloodsucker.

Like this moody dreamboat:

Phlebotomists toothache is the worst (via GIPHY)

Or this devilishly handsome couple:

Phle-BradTom-ists (via GIPHY)

Or this exuberantly-incisive female of the species:

Vampires floss 10 times per night (via GIPHY)

Or even this… guy:

Too much iron in the diet? (via GIPHY)


You see, Nicholas Cage is a phlebotomist, too, good vampire folk just the same as all the rest, and thus equal before the eyes of the vampire god. (Lucifer, I believe they call him. Lucy, for short, maybe, or Lou. Most likely Lucy.)

In the interests of completeness

A phlebotomist more correctly is “a person who draws blood (especially surgically)”, per the Oxford English Dictionary, though that definition is broad enough to include Counts Dracula and Duckula, Bella Lugosi, and Nosferatu, as well as their more aesthetically-pleasing modern counterparts.

What’s more, a phlebotomist may also be known as a bleeder, although confusingly a bleeder can also be “one who loses or sheds blood”, which not only includes haemophiliacs in its narrowest definition, but more broadly surely covers most of the animal kingdom!

Anyway, just something to inspire you fantasy romance writers out there. I look forward to seeing Volume I of the Philosopher Phlebotomist on Kindle real soon…

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The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog…

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