The 2016 Infinity Prize

Press release:

The University of West Clare #UWestClare today announced the opening of applications for the 2016 Infinity Prize©.

The Prize offers a simply incredible $10, 000, 000* to the winner. As such, it is one of the largest academic and intellectual prizes in the world.

Entry form below. Call for entries closes midnight EST, 23rd June, 2016.

About the Infinity Prize

The world-famous Infinity Prize is one of the most prestigious awards in the academic field today. It is awarded annually to a single outstanding candidate (in extreme circumstances, split between two) deemed most deserving.

The generous gift to the University was bequeathed (to the Drumdigus Advanced Learning and Research Institute) by the heirs of Lord Drumdigus, who spent his formative years at the University.

Last Year’s Winner

As with similarly pious awards, no winner of the Infinity Prize was announced last year due to a paucity of coherent responses. (Also, the Prize did not exist. But mostly due to the poor responses, of which there were none. Had there been responses, however, they would most likely have been deemed inadequate and recycled in an ecologically-irresponsible manner.)

How to Enter

The most important question entrants might rightly ask is, how does one enter. That is a very pertinent question indeed. And one we fully intend on answering at the earliest possible opportunity. Firstly, it is of course important to take a look at the set of questions forming this year’s philosophical conundrum.

The Questions for 2016

Based on the criteria detailed below, the Prize will be awarded to that person who most convincingly answers the following important, timely, rambling and wide-ranging philosophical questions:

  1. Why is snow?
  2. Accepting the Big Bang hypothesis of the beginning of the Universe, is rain?
  3. Given 2. above, are insects, too?
  4. Can atoms fly like Superman?
  5. What is the exact mathematical solution to stupid?
  6. [Assuming, of course, that Moore’s Law holds true until 2020] can it be shown that the infinitive repository big words knowledge question cadence important noises intumescence, using only matchsticks, quotes from a Jackie Chan movie and a perspex right-angled triangle [in three words or less]?
  7. How are giraffes?
  8. And of course, the one that stymied so many of last year’s entrants… What?

The Entry Form

[contact-form subject=”The 2016 Infinity Prize: Official Entry”][contact-field label=”Name” type=”name” required=”1″ /][contact-field label=”Question 1″ type=”select” options=”Option One,Option Two” required=”1″ /][contact-field label=”Question 2″ type=”select” options=”Two Hail Marys and an Our Father,Amen,Celine Dion” required=”1″ /][contact-field label=”Question 4″ type=”select” options=”Option One,Option Two” required=”1″ /][contact-field label=”Question 7″ type=”checkbox” required=”1″ /][contact-field label=”Question 8″ type=”text” /][contact-field label=”Question 5″ type=”select” options=”Cartwheels,Spirals,Clusters” required=”1″ /][/contact-form]

Selection Process for Prizewinner

Following receipt of all applications that have answered all of this year’s questions in sequence using the form above (oh, you wouldn’t believe it, but these things have to be spelt out for some people!) the winner is announced following a public vote², a public consultation process, a public inquiry, a steward’s inquiry, an exquiry, an ex-choirboy, pointless and lengthy internal meetings with large legal teams and – finally! – a secret ballot where unnamed committee members cast (parking) lots, plaster, spells and dice, before much cackling and braiding of one another’s hair. Finally, the committee retires to the smoking lounge, makes up a name and throws it in the general direction of a lowly member of the University’s PR staff for ‘fancying up’ purposes.

Notes, Terms and Conditions

*Prize money issued in the form of prayer and well-wishes only, in accordance with the wishes of the benefactor. The prize may not be exchanged for anything, particularly anything of any monetary value whatsoever, including (but not limited to): Supervalu coupons, Patrick Bourke vouchers, Killimer Car Ferry return tickets and discounts on 3rd-class cruises to Narnia. Please also note that the offer of prayer is an advertising gimmick and should not be construed as a real offer; the well-wishes are, however, one hundred percent genuine.

²The public vote has absolutely no bearing on the final outcome, but has a trifold purpose: 1) raising awareness/free publicity; 2) making it seem like the opinion of commoners actually matters to those in power;  and 3) to bleed money from the masses into a trust fund to be channelled to a randomly-chosen British Overseas Territory explicitly (though covertly) for the promulgation of gene therapies to eradicate plebeians.

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