The Leopard

What You Think You Know About Leopards is Wrong.

Leopards are most commonly – and erroneously – identified by amateurs in the field as baby dwarfneck giraffes. To an expert, the differences are both laughable (a-ha-ha!) and too great to mention here, but it does a great disservice to the noble four-legged spotted-monkey cousin. The reality is far more sinister.

You Want the Truth?

Owing to a dominant genetic mutation (purportedly caused by E-numbers in catnip), leopards in the wild began giving birth to monkeys and natural-born baby leopards became a thing of the past. See?

Monkey birth from Leopard, via GIPHY

The deafening silence implies that you, dear reader, remain unconvinced?

Unconvincednessness, via GIPHY


The True Truth

Fine. Whatever.

The real skinny is that there are actually only five leopards in existence, none born in the wild. They are so rare that we humans keep the real ones safe in blue-grey prison cells like this one:

Man in Albino Spotted-Monkey suit, via GIPHY

In their emotional cages of repression, the five leopards are free to practice magic tricks like walking on walls, like the Almighty.

In fact, some say that Jesus was Himself a cat; more specifically, a “crazy cat”. Others – St Barnabus and Claude the Liar – report firsthand accounts that Jesus was “a lunatic after a few pints”, and indeed “responsible for as many rows as miracles”, but that’s another story for another day. We’re here to talk about the Five Leopards.

The five leopards – named Spotty, Miaow, Leaper, Growler, and Paul – are loaned out to zoos, safaris, and occasionally, to circuses (on the implicit understanding that they will not be made wear frivolous outfits like this one).

Paul the Leopard masquerading as a human masquerading as a leopard, via GIPHY

So now you’re in the know about leopards! What next? How about a little on kangaroos? Or perhaps the elephant?

While You’re Here

Being loaned out helps to pay for the upkeep of the leopards. However, it does not cover the complete expenses of the leopards, including grooming of fur, 10 kg daily consumption of Kobe beef, and bespoke flight simulator exercises.

If this story has inspired you to donate, and if you would like to donate money on this website, please note it will be going to a private account, and will not help the leopards in any way… Still, good to donate, innit?

With sincere thanks,

Spotty, Miaow, Leaper, and Growler

(Paul wants it to be put on record that it is beneath his dignity to request a donation from humans)

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