Tinder and the NSA

Recent rumblings of discontent from investors in dating app Tinder have found voice in concerns that the app is a victim of its own success. The recently-improved matching algorithms means that many users —

far too many”, according to disgruntled institutional investment fund manager, Paul Fochsovitz

— are finding the love of their life and happily settling down to a long-lasting and loving relationship. Crucially, this also means they are dropping off the app altogether, in alarming numbers.

Plunging necklines = plunging share price

Shares in Tindr have plunged following a announcement of a spate of unexpected marriages and long-term relationships between happy couples. While they joyously pronounce their satisfaction to all and any, that is scant consolation for investment fund managers, who need to see incessant growth to keep their bosses happy.

Happy = Sad investor

Wedding by elliotharmon shared under CC license

Tinder CEO Barry Mack has attempted to calm investors, noting that a new update is being worked on by its engineers, and will auto-update across all networks shortly.

“Besides,” he noted, “there’s still plenty of meaningless no-strings-attached sex happening on there.”

It remains to be seen how Tinder can best marry these opposites going forward: investors wanting an ever-growing stream of hitch-free connections; users wanting to find the one.

Major New Threat

The embattled app manufacturers face further bad news, in the shape of a dangerous and powerful new competitor: the National Security Agency, or NSA. The USA’s premier surveillance specialists and information-gatherers have just released a new app on the iStore and Google Play Store, Watchr.

Claude Hoodwinkl, Vice-President of PR and Branding, made the announcement yesterday.

“We’ve got unmatchable reach and unbeatable stores of information on everyone’s electronic correspondence,” he said. “It only makes sense to monetise that information by aggressively engineering more satisfactory matches for US citizens than their present relationships.”

Pressed on the legality of this, Hoodwinkl had a fit of hysterical laughing and had to be helped off-stage. He later sent us this follow-up by email:

“Let’s face it,” he said. “There are two problems with present relationships:

  1. People don’t know what they really want.
  2. Informationally speaking, people are swimming in their limited paddle pool, and are thus not informed enough to make the right choice.”

“Here at the NSA, we’re perfectly positioned to correct any earlier relationship choices that people have made — we have the entire ocean of information available, and we know exactly what every person really wants — and ensure the maximum satisfaction of the American people.”

The UCLA [or is it the ACLU? I can never remember] is already making what will ultimately prove a frustrated and futile attempt to seek redress in the US legal system.


[Update: an earlier version of this bulletin mistakenly attributed a comment that the latest Tinder update would “bring the noise” to Tinder CEO Barry Mack. The comment was in fact not made at all, by anyone, in relation to Tinder, as far as we are aware. Perhaps it has never been said by anyone, ever, in normal speech; however, the author pleads the stress brought on by a demanding deadline, a foamy-mouthed screaming editor, and a 500-word minimum word count.]

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